i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
