I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
