So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
