I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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