i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize