drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
