When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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