I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
