You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
