We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize