I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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