note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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