Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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