When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
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