plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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