I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
