I'm jealous of your bromance
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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