i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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