Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
