apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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