We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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