Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
