mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
