i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
