Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
