I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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