They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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