What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
