I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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