They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
