Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
