I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
