Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
