I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
