Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
