Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I wear drunk well.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
