First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
me + whiskey = a bad person
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
