can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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