I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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