Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
