we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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