My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
