I love black thongs
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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