Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize