They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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