The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
