I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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