Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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