apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize