This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
