I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
