I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize