Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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