It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize