I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
