This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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