wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
