Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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