At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
