dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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