the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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