i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize