She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
