like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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