I could make wine with my vomit
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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