either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
im holly from the hills drunk
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
